Facade
by The Lonesome Rose
Summary: Clint's bored so he and Tony gang together to play a rather naughty prank on poor, unsuspecting Steve. A parody of slash. Nothing explicit or serious. Rated for thematic content.


**I am not one for slash at all and this is merely a parody of it for humor purposes. Inspired with the help of Andreanna Tel-Grava. **

**Hope you enjoy. Reviews are like chocolate. :) **

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**Facade**

Clint drank periodically from a tumbler of scotch as he regarded _The Prestige_ splayed out before him in mild interest. His brow creased—half in concentration and half in annoyance. A few stools down sat Tony halfheartedly sipping from a flash of a home mixture as he diverted himself with Angry Birds on his iPhone.

Neither spoke. The whole tower had been quiet all day—even Clint and Tony hadn't really spoken when they'd both happened to meet at the commons' level bar. Thor, off in Asgard; Natasha, off who-knows-where on personal time and Banner holed up in his lab.

With a sigh of boredom, Clint flipped the page. He'd been itching to pull off trouble—the constant nag to prank had been eating on the back of his mind for most of the day. So, it was when he heard Steve come in that he lit up a little; the Cap was always good for a prank or two.

"Clint, Tony" Steve acknowledged them both with a nod as he sat down, having retrieved a draft beer.

Clint propped his chin in one hand, unable to resist a naughty little smirk as he regarded Steve in a sidelong glance. "Have you ever noticed how hard it is to admit you like someone?"

Steve toyed with his bottle, downcast a little—probably thinking of Peggy. "If this is about setting me up for another "blind date" you could spend your time elsewhere."

"Nah, I was thinking more along the lines of me and Tony…" the archer resisted the urge to chuckle aloud when Steve nearly dropped his bottle to the counter and instead forged on "I mean, he and I both apparently "need" each other like no one else does and you know that wanting to take the friendship into deeper waters thing?"

Steve's eyebrows shot up.

Tony set down his phone and drained the contents of his flash in one smooth tip. "Hey, if you feel the need to express your deepest feelings, I won't be judge-y."

Clint leaned forward to coolly look past Steve and catch Tony's eye in a "_play along_ _with me_" look, which met in a quirk of the lips response.

"Honestly, Barton, if you want to confess it, it's okay."

"If I demonstrated to you…" he pulled back to raise his hands in defense. "Hey, you said it not me."

Steve fidgeted in unease. "Um, guys…"

Tony jerked a thumb at the soldier. "Someone might need to cover Capsicle's eyes; he's a traditionalist."

"How could I refuse that invitation?" Clint shoved his stool to scrape back noisily against the floor and made a point of giving Tony the one-over. "Although…I'm not sure you're my type."

Tony rolled his shoulders in a shrug, brushing it off. "I _am_ a very attractive man."

"Fine, I'll admit you've got taste…bit of class… charismatic personality…and not too hard on the eyes."

Another shrug—Tony's attempt to be modest. "Can't argue if it's true. And it is."

"Alright, I can see a little chemistry there."

Steve stared, jaw just a little slackened. "You two are really being disturbing…how much have you both had to drink?"

Raising the tumbler, Clint shook it to disturb the contents on the bottom. "My only"

Tony ignored the question completely and sauntered over to Clint. "You know, this is the point in a _Brokeback Mountain_-esque movie where we'd break down and profess undying love."

Clint smirked low, just loving how Stark could lay it on so thick. By the time they finished, Steve would be a new shade of red. As though they did it every day, Clint hopped off his stool and wrapped his arms around the billionaire. "Oh yes" he agreed.

Tony smirked. "See, I knew you couldn't resist _this_." Then, his amusement vanished and he stepped back, forcing solemnity into his voice as he placed his hands on Clint's shoulders gently gripping. "Barton, you need to tell Natasha about us. Sooner rather than later."

Steve made a small sound—half gasp, half sharp inhale. And Clint had to resist the urge to turn and look, although he watched Tony's eyes flicker past his shoulder.

"We wouldn't want to break her heart. Seriously" he gave a nod, his lips trembling a bit.

Clint hardened and shot him a glare. Years of SHIELD training had taught him how to keep a straight face, but Stark of course wouldn't control himself and would end up blowing everything. "You know, Tasha is the jealous type." He purposely infused a bit of edge into his voice and threw Stark a "_control yourself or I'll break your kneecaps_" look.

Tony took the hint and pursed his lips into a thin line. "Yeah…she might kill me. Or you"

"This is a joke, right?" Steve's vocal pitch rose in worried inquiry. "You don't mean it."

Tony ignored the question, tilted in head to one side as he regarded Clint. "Probably you. Women don't like finding out that their boyfriends have "extra" interests. And you think she's ready for an open relationship like that?" the corners of his mouth twitched upwards again.

If Steve wasn't getting the hint yet that this was all a prank, he was going to figure it out pretty soon the way Stark was screwing.

"Oh we could hide it fairly well. Same general living area-ish" he made a vague gesture to indicate the tower.

"Wouldn't she notice your new disinterest? Unless…you swing both ways?"

This time Clint permitted the smug smirk he'd been holding inside. "Well, if the swing goes forward, it has to go back eventually. Physics, right?" Science had never really been one of his favorite suits, but physics was something he dealt with every day and even Steve for all his old school fashions had to agree on that one. Clint thought it a rather witty comeback and was about to ask the supersoldier whether he thought so too when Tony let his hands fall slackly to his sides and put his back to Clint.

"So you'd just drop me when you got bored of me?"

From here, Clint could hear the soft snicker escape and was ready to kick Tony. He backed up a few paces just so he could have Steve in his peripheral vision—and man, was the Cap getting red!—"Nah, you're a _fascinating _person. I've always wanted to know you better. I mean, there's only so much you can know when the doors are open."

Steve cleared his throat. "Look, guys, I don't think…"

Tony looked over his shoulder at Clint in an expression all remorse. "I don't know if I can commit to this. I'm…not ready."

"Don't leave" Clint begged softly. "I've waited too long to admit my feelings for you."

"I can't, Barton. I just…can't." Tony gave a broken sigh. "I'm sorry." The look in his eyes was almost genuine—enough to make Clint forgive him for before.

Steve wasn't nearly red enough so the archer decided it was time for the final act. With a cry of anguish, he sank to his knees and clutched Tony's legs. "Don't leave me," he pleaded, putting all he had into the charade. "Tony, I need you…only you…" He gazed upwards to see Tony meet his eyes with heartfelt longing.

"Maybe…someday…when you're ready to commit. To me and me alone. Then…"

Steve let out a choked cry. "What is wrong with you two?! You can't possibly mean all that!"

"A lot changed while you were in deep-freeze, Capsicle," pointed out Tony, grimacing just a little as Clint hammed it up by making himself tear up.

"Couldn't it work? Seriously, I could give up Tasha for you."

"You'd do that?" a slight pitch in his voice.

Clint nodded; embellishing his response with the best pathetic expression he could muster.

"That could work," mused Tony. Clint threw him a wink and Tony took the hint to help him to his feet. Clint sobbed in joy and hugged Tony as the billionaire wept dramatically on his shoulder…then he turned into a human hyena and shoved Clint away to double over from laughter. "Oh man… how did you _not_ crack?" he broke off, panting for breath.

Clint wiped away alligator tears and cracked a sly grin. "SHIELD trains their agents well, which is more than can be said for _you_."

"I'm sorry." Tony wiped tears from his eyes. "The crying was just too much."

Clint looked to Steve and honestly couldn't help bursting into laughter. Training be damned; Cap's face was just too _priceless_. He'd turned a curious shade of pink and his mouth moved a few times, but nothing came out. Yeah, there'd be emotional scars on _that_ one.

Tony stumbled back to his stool and leaned against the bar, wheezing. "That's one of the weirder things I've ever done. And I've done a lot."

Clint smirked. "You're welcome."

Steve still looked overwhelmed from shock so the archer took it upon himself to assure him: "Hey, Cap, it's still Tasha for me and Pep for him. It was all in fun. There's _totally_ nothing between us."

Tony wiped more tears from his eyes. "He's right."

"Well…" Clint considered only a second before he took it back. "…nothing between us but some damn good pranks." He leaned over to catch Tony in a high-five before crumpling forward to the bar, helpless to peel after peel of gut-wrenching laughter.

**End**


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